A Constant Sidetrack

We all make plans for ourselves, from daily tasks to lifelong dreams.  We are beings of purpose; of goals. So exactly what do you do when it seems like it’s one constant sidetrack after another? That is precisely where I am residing at this point in my life; in a constant sidetrack loop. There’s a saying about best laid plans, I’m not precisely sure how that one ends, but my cliffs notes version is it all goes to shit while you are looking the other way.

A bit of a gypsy, I’ve always made plans with the foresight and understanding that perfection is overrated and curve balls can be educational. I’m ok with all of that. I mean come on, what kind of life is it if you are living with such rigidity that you forget how to be flexible? If you don’t learn to bend a little, you just might break. I love to be spontaneous and go where the wind takes me, though you wouldn’t exactly know that by the way I live my life these days. After all, I’m poor, so travel is in my head more so than in the actuality. Before kids, a different story, I  once picked up and moved to Washington state with a boyfriend just for the experience and fun. It was! I don’t regret it for a minute. Washington state is beautiful. If you haven’t gone, you should give it a try. Even tried out rural Iowa for a bit. Aside from my eternal hate for the climate in the midwest, it was nice. Picked up all the kids and our lives and moved to Texas for a short stint once. Beautiful land! Let me tell you, being from southern California, outdoor living suits me just fine.

One of the most important things to me has always been my intention to move back home once all of my children were grown, graduated from high school and/or on a track toward their own goals and dreams. I don’t really know if I am ‘from’ somewhere specifically. I might have to google the literal definition on that one. LIke I said, a bit of a gypsy, I haven’t stayed put in one place too long to grow roots. I’ve been in our house for 8 years now…….longest time I have ever spent in one place, yet I still don’t consider it my home or where I am from; it’s my address, nothing more. The only true connection I ever felt to any one place, would be California. Maybe it’s because that is where I graduated from high school. Or maybe it’s because I love sunshine, the beach, warm weather and outdoor living. Might be because it’s the place that I started to figure out who I was as a person. Could be that is where I connected with people who I am still friends with to this day, and miss every single day of my life. I guess I think of it as my home or where I am ‘from’ because it’s where I discovered my inner happiness and how to be that in spite of anyone or anything else. Maybe it’s because there is no better peace I have ever felt than the peace I feel when sitting on the beach watching the waves come in and take all my troubles away with the tide.  Because of that, I have always dreamed of the day that I would be able to go back. It has been my plan since the day I left. I don’t exactly know how or when, but one day, I will go home. I just hope it’s before I’m in an urn being tossed into the ocean.

Number two on my dreams list, or maybe it’s tied with number one, I’m not for sure, is wanting to finish my education. I have been waiting years upon years to enact my college plan. I can’t count how many times I was ready to go and something came up. Once was 4 years ago, but another sidetrack was about to derail those plans. I needed a better job, which would require finally going back to college to finish my RN. I had been waiting patiently for my children to get to an age where I could afford to take the distraction. Seemed like every time I was about to enroll, something would come up and put college on the back burner. At this particular juncture the hold up was the hubby’s job had cut his hours while systematically chopping his benefits left and right. He was completely miserable and the anxiety of the possible closing of the company turned into an opportunity for him to go to college. We were both miserable in our jobs and needing a change. Self drawing the short straw, the hubby enrolled in college and I took a different job, not even close to nursing, for the pay and the benefits. He worked part-time and went to school full-time and I was able to cash in on all the overtime. Aside from the fact I HATED the cold, (honestly I’m not sure there’s a word in the English language that covers the depths of my despise of having to work out in the frigid temps) I put on my big girl coveralls and did what I had to do to support my family. Including pep talks and tons of support oozing out of me to keep the hubby on track and confident that the work is worth it and the end is near. Two years later he was able to graduate, with honors!!  Double the excitement came because my oldest daughter graduated from high school at the same time!

My oldest was off to nursing school and was adamantly wanting me to join her. I almost went for it too. The excitement of finally being able to do something for myself partnered with the bonus of sharing the journey with my daughter was looking very tempting. However, the timing was not going to work out. The hubby hadn’t procured employment yet and there was no way in hell we could be without health coverage. Not to mention, having two people attending college at the same time might have been a bit of a financial nightmare. Had we known the hubby was about to find a great job a couple of months later, we might have been able to figure something out. Hindsight. It can suck. Anyways….I  sent my oldest on her journey alone while I stayed where I was. Not fun working in the elements in Nebraska. I’m telling you right now, it’s winter 9 months out of the year!! The remaining three months are so damn hot and humid I think the rainforest would feel like a cool vacation. The cold weather and I don’t get along, causes flare ups in pain for me. Lately the humidity isn’t cutting me any breaks either. Can you tell I’m not a fan? hahaha

 Hubby got that great job with a great company and the next year we were able to utilize his benefits. Now we are two years later and my next daughter is graduating high school. I was hoping it could be my turn to go to school now that the hubby was settled in his job and kid number two was off to college as well, but plans don’t always go the way you intend when you have 4 other lives to consider.  Nope, turns out instead I get a nerve disease and become disabled. Guess the universe didn’t think we had enough on our plate. Took almost a year of too many docs and too many tests to figure out what was going on. Well, crap! That is NOT how I had things planned at all. I tried to keep working at first, but alas, the physicality of the job was taking too much out of me. I had a 33 day migraine at one point. I do not recommend that by the way. Not good times.

Brings us to our current situation where we are down to one kiddo with a year and a half left in high school, so of course another wrench gets thrown into the machine. After much consideration and numerous talks with the ex, my son and his psychiatrist, we decided it was best to let my son try living with his dad. That happens to be an hour away, and in Iowa, so that means I will only get to see him on weekends he is available. He is 16 and will be driving and working soon so I know how that goes. I have two older daughters remember. I can’t even begin to explain how extraordinarily difficult this change has been. I went from all three kids at home to an empty nest in a matter of a couple of days! Yikes! Psychological meltdown in progress…… I had an imaginary timeline where I had over a year at the very least to wrap my head around the idea of an empty nest. Guess that went out the window. At this point you would think I would just stop trying to make plans.

Constantly sidetracked year after year. Changes left and right. Those darned best laid plans have all gone to hell in a handbasket. The universe needs to calm the hell down. Not cute…..can we get on the same page please? Just once? I could use a break.

I’m in need of visiting the social security office to file for disability. I not only have no idea where to begin with that process, I also don’t want to. It would be admitting defeat. It about killed me to stop working. I don’t depend on other people. I help others and I support others and I am ok with that. It’s who I am and what I do. To have to rely on someone else just about drives me insane. Partially because history has taught me that I am the only one looking out for me (some might say that’s irrational thinking and I’m at about 50/50 on agreeing with that) and partially because I’m not good at letting other’s take care of me (I’m stubborn and I’m not exactly sure what that would look like). I assume it would look a little like what I have spent my life, giving to my family. I have mostly been met with whispers behind my back and judging eyes hovering above the fake smiles from people I thought were on my side. I don’t expect everyone to understand what I’m going through, I am having a hard time accepting it all myself. However, a little common decency would go a long way. After all, I’m the same person I have always been. I would still give anyone the shirt off my back in a minute to someone in need, still a wife and a mother who gives to her family before herself, and still that stubborn control freak who hates feeling like a burden to anyone so if I ask for help, you can bet the farm it’s because I need it.

Now what? Go to school? I would love to. Can I handle it? If I can’t even hold a job, how am I to go to school? What do I go for? Nursing? What if I can’t ever use my left hand to its full potential ever again? What if the CRPS continues to spread? Will going to nursing school just be a waste of time, money and energy? Maybe I can go for business so I could open my own store one day. I am in love with architectural salvage and repurpose and design. Yet I don’t know the first thing about running that kind of business. I wouldn’t want to run that business here even if I did finish school for that. Having my own store would make sense because even if I couldn’t physically do what I need to, I could tell someone what I want and have things built or moved….right? I can be bossy hahaha. All three of my doctors have made it clear I live in the wrong environment and that warmer, consistent climate would do me a world of good. Haha!! See?! I told you I need to move back home! For ten days in March of last year when I was in warm, beautiful California, it was the best ten days ever! Physically my pain levels were completely tolerable on minimal medication. Talk about an asset. I could probably work there! That might be wishful thinking, but I am in denial with the whole disability thing…..remeber? Wow….I need to move to step 2……acceptance. Or do I?

Grrrrr……I need a sign or something. Like winning the lottery! That would be beneficial! For sure! lol  Obviously making plans isn’t working out for me. I feel as if I am in a holding pattern. I think people dealing with a chronic illness feel the same way. My mind says I am perfectly capable of doing so many things, while my body snickers loudly and hollers out ‘Wanna bet?!’ every time I try to do anything requiring any physical effort. It’s a cruel joke I am living in. I have spent my entire life putting my family’s needs above my own and when I finally have five minutes to maybe do something for myself, a nerve disease pops on by to completely jack up my plans. What a jerk! CRPS is a selfish, self-centered jerk! Not cool, not cool at all.

I have a tad bit of hopefulness thanks to having three great docs on my side and a new med that seems promising. Don’t want to jinx myself since it is still very early and I have a long way to go. I feel like I need to hang on to that little bit of vision of one day being able to do something for myself, otherwise, what’s the point? Having lost a couple of fellow CRPSers this year, seemingly because they asked themselves the same questions and came up empty, it becomes that much more important to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I know we aren’t supposed to need  the support and encouragement of anyone else because ultimately we need to do things for ourselves…….but when you’re constantly being kicked while you’re down, a hand up would sure be nice. That’s why it’s important to pay the same love and attention to those that love you and pay attention to you. Be mindful when someone gives you a hand that you don’t accidentally step on their back on your way up.

You set a timeline of events that maps out your purpose. Sometimes there are side tracks along the way. There are times when your purpose is altered or shifted. It’s all part of life. I have learned to go with the flow for the most part. Don’t get me wrong, I have my freak out moments, but I usually get over myself and move forward. What do you do when the sidetrack becomes overwhelming and your purpose becomes unknown? The timeline, the plan, it all comes to an end before you had time to venture down your own path. There you are, left without a purpose, feeling alone, no one to cheer you on or support you the way you always support and cheer on everyone else. Its depressing. I can see how depression can be overwhelming. Truth is no one does anything on their own. achievements are gained on the backs of those that supported and encouraged you along your way. Ever notice how all success stories start out, ‘If it wasn’t for so and so….’  Even the strongest, most independent people deep down need the same support and cheering section that the rest of you need. Maybe moreso. Because if we don’t have that, we are left alone to feel like maybe our purpose, our dreams, our goals are selfish and unworthy.