6 Steps To Make or Break A Relationship

Take the advice from someone who has had many failures…….some my own doing and quite a few from the lack of doing of others. I know what doesn’t work.  In no particular order….I have chosen the wrong men. I’ve made bad decisions about who to date. I’ve let bad relationships go on for far too long. I put up an emotional wall and let no one in. I sabotaged a great relationship. I let people take advantage of me. I worked hard to save a marriage that needed to end. I put everyone else first. I gave second chances, third, fourth and fifth chances to those who didn’t deserve it. I’ve spent way too much time waiting for the other person to do the right thing. Most importantly, I’ve learned from my mistakes and continue to learn more everyday.

1. Communicate

Seems easy enough doesn’t it? After all we speak to people every single day, all day long. However, when it comes to communicating effectively, sometimes we run into a wall. Being honest with someone else means we have to be honest with ourselves; that can be scary. Fear is normal. Without it we would probably do more damage to ourselves than we could possibly imagine. Fear can also keep us from doing the things we need to do; saying the things we need to say.

 Once you’ve figured out what you really need to say, get their attention, and tell them what’s on your mind. Leave animosity, negative comments and judgments at the door. If you want someone to hear what you’re saying, pick a time when they can actually hear you. No distractions, put down the phone and shut off the tv. I think a lot of us fear that being honest will destroy what we have. I can tell you that not being honest is what will begin that destruction. So suck it up, take a deep breath and talk!

Don’t forget to listen. Hearing what our partner is saying is just as important as being heard. We have  a tendency to tell people exactly what we want or expect from them. Pay attention. It may be your last chance to salvage something before it’s broken beyond repair.

2. Respect Each Other

Respecting each other means so many things. We are all very different people. We grow up in different ways and have totally separate life experiences. We don’t fall in love with someone because they are exactly like us. We usually fall in love with people who are different from us, challenge us, share our same passions or a shared vision of a life you want to build together. Remembering to respect our differences and the fact we aren’t always going to agree on everything is crucial to a successful relationship. Respect means having each other to lean on in hard times.

This one also ties directly in with communication. Face it, no one is hearing anything the second shouting, name-calling, degrading, or any of that other foolishness starts. Even if the reason you have an issue to begin with is because they are not respecting you, getting out of control will do absolutely nothing. You can’t take back words you have already said or damage you have already done. Learn to be ok with taking a time out and coming back to it later.  Respect the person you love enough to not do or say something that can’t be undone. Treat respect for each other like it was fine china. You can only crack a dish so many times before it’s beyond repair.

3. Support Each Other

We all just want to be happy. We want to be happy and enjoy our lives. To do that we have to have separate dreams and goals that are just for us. Dreams and goals can also change and evolve as we mature and life circumstances change. Supporting your partner means having each others back through all of lifes twists and turns.

In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer……etc….etc…. You get the gist. Life changes, we change, we grow, we find new interests and hobbies; you never know what is around the corner. We age, we gain weight, lose weight, change jobs, lose jobs, have kids, and so on and so on. You will not be the exact same person at 20 that you are at 50 and neither will your partner. The promises you made to each other need to be the things that never change if you want your marriage to succeed.  Life will likely hand you things you have no control over. Man up! Woman up! Life is chaos. Things get crazy and sometimes curve balls are thrown at you left and right. You are in this marriage together. So put on your waders and walk hand in hand into the crap and clean it up together. Fail to do your part and your marriage will fail.

4. Seek Advice From The Right People

Everyone needs someone independent of their significant other to talk to about their significant other. We are different people and will not always see eye to eye on everything. These are just the facts. Sorting things out and trying to figure out what to do sometimes requires a fresh set of eyes. Do yourself, your marriage and your partner a solid and only talk to someone you trust implicitly and knows you both.

I know it’s so much easier to go to the person who you know will back you no matter what. However, that is not always the best idea. You don’t need a yes man in a situation like this. You need someone who not only supports you, but supports your partner and your marriage.

Your parents probably aren’t the best choice. Thing is, they usually have a one-sided bias and will most likely take your side even if 99% of what you said logically makes no sense. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, best to avoid this situation. Not to mention, if you bad mouth your partner to your family, they will hold it against them even well after you have cleared up the real issue. Nothing puts distance between a couple faster than shoving a bunch of people with negativity between the two of you.

Can’t unbreak that dish.

5. Be Present in Your Relationship

This means never take your partner for granted. Just because they are there everyday doesn’t mean that can’t change tomorrow. Pay positive attention to each other and compliment each other everyday. Want a healthy, growing, loving relationship? Then act like it. Every single day. Don’t ignore your spouse for days or weeks and then five minutes before you want a little something, suddenly notice their existence. It’s not cute. Figure out what each others’ love language is and act on that.

Most likely if you are no longer present in your relationship, then one or both of you has failed in any or all of the above steps. That is why this last step is crucial. Timing is everything…..wait too long for step six and you just might seal your fate with another failed relationship.

6. Right The Wrongs

I can’t think of a single person that hasn’t made a mistake or multiple mistakes in their lifetime. You don’t have to let the mistake define who you are. As a matter of fact, the best thing you can ever do is to let what you do about that mistake be what defines you. That is, of course, if you do the right thing. Maybe they won’t forgive you. Maybe they will. Most importantly you should want to make things right because if nothing else you know in the end you did your best and won’t make the same mistake twice.

Lies create distrust. Distrust leads to destruction. Period. Tell the truth, right the wrong, do your best, learn from your mistakes and be a better person because of them. Leave the wrongs hanging out in your relationship and I can promise you, that relationship will eventually end. These are the times to decide what is more of a priority for you, the lie or your marriage. Words are cheap my friends. If you plan to talk the talk, best to walk the walk…….or you may end up walking all alone.

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You’ve probably heard it a million times and possibly said it yourself…. It takes two people to make or break a marriage. Well, that’s half right. It takes two people to make a marriage succeed. You have to be a team and work together if you want to get through all the craziness life throws at you. However, it only takes one person to break it. If you stop being part of your team, then your relationship will most likely crash and burn. One person to shut down, check out, screw up and destroy what you were trying to build together. One person.

Better figure out what kind of person you want to be before you pledge to be all that and more to someone else.