Random Thoughts

Have you ever encountered that moment where someone asks you to define yourself? I have been asked that question numerous times. Sometimes it’s in the form of a direct question. Sometimes it’s creating a website full of images that are supposed to paint a picture of yourself. Sometimes, it comes by way of an expectation from other to evaluate yourself. I have always been perplexed by this. Define me? As if it were a simple task such as doing the dishes or checking the mail. It isn’t as if I have something to hide. I usually consider myself an open book. However, I think of myself as an open book that you can read and draw your own conclusions. Why should I have to express my being in just a simple conversation? I just am. What you see is what you get. I’m honest and straight forward. I have strong beliefs and opinions and am not afraid to share them and stand up for what I believe is right. I still fail to see how that will somehow define who I am to you or anyone else. Many people say those exact same words and yet never seem to follow through on their word. It seems to me that time will show you who I am better than trying to cliffs notes a version of myself that at the moment may be solely based on the mood I’m in when you ask.

It strikes me a far better question might be…. If you get knocked down seven times, how many times do you get up?

Eyes closing…..

This is one of those moments when I can barely keep my eyes open. Im literally struggling to stay awake. My eyelids weigh at least ten pounds. Yet, my mind never stops. It’s the single most frustrating thing I experience on a daily basis, shit, a minute by minute basis! It never stops. No moments of peace and quiet. Silence merely brings on the flood of stories, song lyrics I didn’t even know I knew, what if’s, what if not’s, what needs too be done, what’s already been done, what’s for dinner, what needs to be cleaned, are there enough groceries, did something get left in the car, I need to vacuum, watch my shows, read my book, catch up with the kids, check the calendar, take my meds, kids take their meds, want to spend time with my husband, do I have clean underwear, I need to switch the laundry, it’s too late to make noise, can’t function in silence too many thoughts get in, do other people do this, am I crazy, do I needed more pills, less pills, I hate pills, air conditioner is annoying, the dishes are not put away, my legs are killing me, worry about someone close to me, can’t ignore alarm in the morning cause I need to do my hair and make my lunch, are the animals fed, I think I’m forgetting something, do the kids think I’m ignoring them, do I have enough one on one time with them, with my husband, I need a nap, I need to stop looking at the clock, what am I going to make for dinner tomorrow, I need a tan and feel the sun on my skin, need to lose twenty pounds like yesterday, clothes don’t fit, do the kids need clothes or shoes, need to pay the bills, hope there is enough money to pay the bills, there never seems to be enough, I need to make more money, I need a vacation, where would I go, what would that cost, would everyone like to go to the same place……..is there ever going to be just five seconds where I can shut it all off and get some peace and quiet?!