mytaintedview

Random Thoughts

alittlenutz — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 06:27:52 +0000

Have you ever encountered that moment where someone asks you to define yourself? I have been asked that question numerous times. Sometimes it’s in the form of a direct question. Sometimes it’s creating a website full of images that are supposed to paint a picture of yourself. Sometimes, it comes by way of an expectation from other to evaluate yourself. I have always been perplexed by this. Define me? As if it were a simple task such as doing the dishes or checking the mail. It isn’t as if I have something to hide. I usually consider myself an open book. However, I think of myself as an open book that you can read and draw your own conclusions. Why should I have to express my being in just a simple conversation? I just am. What you see is what you get. I’m honest and straight forward. I have strong beliefs and opinions and am not afraid to share them and stand up for what I believe is right. I still fail to see how that will somehow define who I am to you or anyone else. Many people say those exact same words and yet never seem to follow through on their word. It seems to me that time will show you who I am better than trying to cliffs notes a version of myself that at the moment may be solely based on the mood I’m in when you ask.

It strikes me a far better question might be…. If you get knocked down seven times, how many times do you get up?

Eyes closing…..

alittlenutz — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 05:44:00 +0000

This is one of those moments when I can barely keep my eyes open. Im literally struggling to stay awake. My eyelids weigh at least ten pounds. Yet, my mind never stops. It’s the single most frustrating thing I experience on a daily basis, shit, a minute by minute basis! It never stops. No moments of peace and quiet. Silence merely brings on the flood of stories, song lyrics I didn’t even know I knew, what if’s, what if not’s, what needs too be done, what’s already been done, what’s for dinner, what needs to be cleaned, are there enough groceries, did something get left in the car, I need to vacuum, watch my shows, read my book, catch up with the kids, check the calendar, take my meds, kids take their meds, want to spend time with my husband, do I have clean underwear, I need to switch the laundry, it’s too late to make noise, can’t function in silence too many thoughts get in, do other people do this, am I crazy, do I needed more pills, less pills, I hate pills, air conditioner is annoying, the dishes are not put away, my legs are killing me, worry about someone close to me, can’t ignore alarm in the morning cause I need to do my hair and make my lunch, are the animals fed, I think I’m forgetting something, do the kids think I’m ignoring them, do I have enough one on one time with them, with my husband, I need a nap, I need to stop looking at the clock, what am I going to make for dinner tomorrow, I need a tan and feel the sun on my skin, need to lose twenty pounds like yesterday, clothes don’t fit, do the kids need clothes or shoes, need to pay the bills, hope there is enough money to pay the bills, there never seems to be enough, I need to make more money, I need a vacation, where would I go, what would that cost, would everyone like to go to the same place……..is there ever going to be just five seconds where I can shut it all off and get some peace and quiet?!

Teenagers

alittlenutz — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 17:26:59 +0000

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Teenagers. The word alone bubbles up a frenzy of emotions in anyone having them or having to deal with them that can go anywhere from the deepest joy to the deepest rage. The thing about teenagers that some people, and parents seem to forget is that they are just young adults trying to figure out who they are. Young adults who aren’t fully equipped with the emotional control to always deal with things appropriately. Lets face it, there are a plethora of adults in this world that still haven’t mastered that life skill. I deal with a slew of them on a daily basis.

I remember being a teenager quite vividly. One of the few things I can remember. Not so much the daily details of the era, but more the feeling of the entire time. While under my parent(s) roof, I was in turmoil most of the time. I hated my mother, still have deep seeded issues there if we are going to be completely honest. Nothing I ever did was right. I was always grounded, and I don’t mean a week here or there, over exaggerated teenager opinion grounded, I mean 6 months at a time; for things like rolling my eyes or breathing the wrong way. This is no joke. Don’t get me wrong, there were times I did plenty wrong to warrant a long grounding, but that was after I realized that it didn’t matter if I really did something or not, so in my mind I figured if I were going to be in trouble, I better have some fun while I was free. It was a constant battle of the wills. I was accused of being disrespectful and talking with ‘a tone’ that was not appreciated. I would defend my actions, sometimes at the top of my lungs and with doors slammed, that I could not treat someone with respect that didn’t treat me with respect first. It made perfect sense to me then, and it still does to this day. I didn’t have the best parent on the planet, that’s for sure, nor the worst. I suppose she did the best she could with the skills she had. However, those skills were what was being passed to me. This is how I was learning how to be a parent!

I split from my parent(s) when I was 16. It was at this point that I realized I no longer had all the drama ruling my life and I could finally relax and be myself. I finished high school, with honors, and went on to do pretty ok for myself. A few hiccups along the way of course, and quite a few attempts of controlling crazy coming at me from my mother. The thing is, had she just stayed out of my life a little bit, I would have done more with my education when I was younger. I’m not blaming my mother or parent(s) for everything. I’m merely stating that whenever she attempted to control my life, my first instinct was to bolt in the opposite direction as fast as I could! Just thinking about it right now I am all sweaty and want to just freak out and scream at the top of my lungs. I am a grown woman with a great life and children of my own, and I still have these feelings. So listen up parents, because that frustration never goes away. I know I don’t want my children growing up feeling like that. It would make me so sad.

My mother and I still obviously have multiple issues that will probably never be dealt with. Not because I haven’t tried, trust me, I have, but because she refuses to take responsibility for her part. It’s as if she just stuck her head in the ground and goes on as if nothing has ever happened. The worst part is that she continues to act this way with my children, my sibling(s) and their children. I cut her out of my life emotionally years ago. Best damn decision I ever made. At one point, I cut her out physically. I didn’t see her for nearly two years,aside from family functions, and when I did see her we both avoided each other. She was to blame in that scenario. I would love to take partial responsibility for our falling out, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Though I may have given her a hard time when I was younger because I figured I was going to be in trouble anyway, that was not and is not the case now and throughout my adulthood. Anyway, I could go off on a complete tangent here outlining the fall of our relationship, but that’s not my point so I will stop there for now. My point is, if you want great teenagers and a lasting relationship, bring out the respect.

Lord knows I battle with my children. I spent years raising them teetering between falling into the same patterns that I experienced to doing the polar opposite of what I went through. It came natural to yell and scream and control and ground them when they would do something I didn’t like. It’s all I knew. It took me many years to realize that I had control over my parenting. I could educate and better myself as a parent. I hope it’s not too late. I think it isn’t. I have wonderful teenagers that share their lives with me (at least the parts they want to) and come to me for advice. We have our moments of falling back into the controlling battle of the wills. Usually sparked by my overreaction to a situation. I am a control freak. I admit it. I probably got that way from the years of turmoil in my life starting when I was a child. It works for me for the most part. However, I found it wasn’t working in the parenting department. I talk to my children about anything and everything. There are boundaries set up that are reasonable. There is always an open line of communication. I let them make mistakes so they can figure out how to find a solution with out someone rescuing them. I am the first to admit when I was out of line, and I apologize to my children immediately! Try it on for size, you would be amazed at how much more your teenager will respect you if you are willing to admit when you are wrong and apologize without making excuses. It opens up an entire world of a deeper relationship.

I’m not completely delusional in thinking my teenagers tell me everything and always follow my rules and act respectful. That’s just bullshit. I don’t always act that way, so I’m sure they don’t. I do trust that they will come to me with the important stuff because I do not pass judgement on them. I let them know that life is a struggle of figuring out who you are and what’s right for you as an individual. That mistakes will be made and hearts will be broken, people will disappoint you and surprise you, nothing is easy and everything is how you react to it. That ultimately, this life is yours and you are the one that has to live with the reflection in the mirror, so do yourself proud and if nothing else, be honest with yourself.

It’s a process. I wake up everyday and vow not to put my children through what I went through. I slip up from time to time. Yet, for the most part I think, I do a pretty great job. I must be doing something right, because even though they are teenagers, they say they love me and show affection in public. SCORE!! They also come to me with the important stuff. They might not come to me first, that’s usually their friends’ job, but they come to me when they are ready and want to know the truth.

Do yourselves a favor parents, be one! You are not their best friend, they have those. You are not their savior. Everyone needs the opportunity to fail so they know how to achieve. You are not their bank. Let them figure out that nothing in this life comes free. Stop buying them every little thing and creating spoiled little brats. My biggest problem with parenting is the fact I can’t slap the shit out of the parent of the kid throwing a full fledge temper tantrum. And I’m not just referring to the screaming kid in the grocery store. I’m including the bitchy little teens that act as if they are entitled to have whatever they want at a moments notice. Stop catering to creating the MONSTERS! You are to raise your kids to become self reliant, responsible members of society. Think about that asshole you have to deal with possibly on a daily basis. Now ask yourslef this, “Who the hell is responsible for raising this jackass?!” Do you want someone to ask themselves that very question about someone you raised? I sure don’t. I understand that there are a few people who are just that way no matter how they were raised. Some people are just born jerks. But for the rest, they had to come from somewhere. So please, educate and better yourselves as parents to that positive cycle can continue. Maybe if everyone took a step back and realized that you can change how you parent to encourage your children to become great adults, then it would make for a better world.

Maybe it seems like a lot to ask, or a lot of work. I’m here to say that it is actually easier than you think. The best part is that your kids will respect you more for giving respect first. They can’t give you something they are not seeing. If they are acting like little maniacs, better take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what your failing to do.

to be continued……

When do you step in?

alittlenutz — Tue, 31 May 2011 03:05:02 +0000

At what point do you stop watching a person self destruct while slowly destroying their family at the same time, and do something? And what do you do?
Granted, the point of being an adult is figuring out shit on your own, falling, and learning to pick yourself up again. Yet, you lose that privilege of free fall and rise when it damages those around you. You want to continuously screw up, fine! But do it alone. Don’t drag down the innocent with you. Especially when you are aware of the situation, yet refuse to remedy it.
Addiction comes in all forms, that’s why there are a million different support groups to help people through. But its not just your problem. Self destruct alone somewhere then. If you are so selfish and needy that you can’t break away from the one thing that will destroy all the good in your life, then you need serious help. Go find it. Its available. Is everywhere. And its probably right in front of you.
Addiction, for anything or anyone can be a bitch. But you lose all rights for me or anyone else to be sympathetic when you admit its a problem and know its destroying your life, and choose to continue.
Life isn’t always easy. There is always someone else around the corner who has been through much worse that you have.
At what point do you say enough is enough and take control of your life?! Natural Disasters, accidents, war, these things you can’t control. You can control your bad decisions!
Rule of thumb, if everyone in your life is questioning your decisions, or staging interventions……you may want to start paying attention to your life and stop screwing it up. Because if its gone this far, you NEED to wake the fuck up! Wake up and realize that you have been making huge mistakes and you need to grow up, take control, and fix your shit before you lose everyone and everything.
Stop making excuses and start making solutions. Or, continue on this path and end up all alone, because that’s the route you’re headed down.

Oh

alittlenutz — Wed, 25 May 2011 02:05:13 +0000

My bad. I should have realized my mistake when I just assumed you had common sense. Thats clearly a gift only given to the best of us. The rest of you monkeys continue on trying to f@*k that football. Hey, at least you took a break from throwing your feces.

Your Kind of Crazy is Out of Hand!

alittlenutz — Sun, 22 May 2011 17:29:19 +0000

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I am by no means the authority on sanity and what is right and wrong in the world. However, some people are absolutely nuts! I’m talking nuts beyond the point of all reason. Damaging Nuts!! Should be locked up, vocal cords removed, hands bound, and put in solitary nuts. I think you get the point I’m trying to make here. Sorry, but it’s both unbelievable and infuriating that some groups, legislators, or random lunatics get away with spreading their coocoo for cocoa puffs all over the world.

For instance, I recently read an article about Tennessee banning the word ‘gay’ in elementary and middle schools. Seriously? Here’s a snippet for you…

BY ALIYAH SHAHID

DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Friday, April 22, 2011

A Tennessee Senate committee has given the green light to a bill that would bar teachers from discussing homosexuality with elementary and middle school students.The legislation, dubbed the “don’t say gay” bill, states teachers cannot “provide any instruction or material that discusses sexual orientation other than heterosexuality.”

Republican Stacey Campfield, the bill’s sponsor, has argued the move is “neutral,” according to the Knoxville News Sentinel.

“We should leave it to families to decide when it is appropriate to talk with children about sexuality – specifically before the eighth grade,” he added.

Astounding! To be quite frank about it, ‘gay’ means happy by formal definition. I could see if they were banning the word on the principal that it not be used in way of an insult By punishing those that use it under negative connotation. We as a world, have been far too lenient when it comes to bullying. Harassing, in any way is bullying people! And it should be nipped in the bud! Yet, that’s not the case. We tolerate the bullies, make excuse, and then let the big bullies enact legislature so they can continue their bullying untouched. (I will enter the psychos of that well know church group that I wont mention right now as Exhibit A- but you know who they are- starts with a w end in o, and has crazy right in the middle)

Ok, so I get that maybe a teacher doesn’t want to explain to a 8-year-old what homosexuality is. I’m sure some don’t want to explain ancient civilization to some uninterested 8 year olds either, but that’s the job of an educator, educating. Any discussions of sex with an 8-year-old can quickly get out of hand; those kids can crack you up! So, lets stick with the basic knowledge for our younger kiddies. Is that too much to ask? Educate. That’s your job. Educate them about their bodies, and the changes it goes through. The mechanics of it all. Stick with the facts of biology. We have these parts, they have those parts, this is what they do.Then have a counselor (since its their job to discuss feelings) available for the tougher questions. Simple concept, right?

Ban the word ‘gay’ ? This has got to be a joke. I’m going to lay it out for you all, just in case there are a few of you who, in this day and age, still don’t GET it. Being gay is not a choice! You are in fact, born that way. The only choice being made, is wether or not to come out to your friends and family. Sadly, its been made a difficult choice because of the ignorance and hate being spread. Imagine if you will; here you are born with two left feet. Oh the shame! All of your life, you are forced to wear socks, wear uncomfortable shoes ( a left and a right even though you can’t fit into them), and never, i mean never, speak of such things. What would people think, or say or do to you if they knew you had two left feet? You are different. What if you try to steal all of their left shoes? The horror! Give me a break. You can’t help it, its how you were made. Why should you spend a lifetime being treated differently and hated for something you had no control over? Can you imagine how sad and lonely you would feel if some ignorant Republican with a left and right foot said you must never talk about it in a place you spend 8 hours of your day in, making it a shameful thing, even though it’s the farthest thing from shameful? Its how you were made!

Yeah, I said it! Made that way. And for all of you religious individuals, this is the part where you may want to get out your bible and read the part where is says that God created man in his image. ( I personally find this a strange concept) I don’t get the whole God thing. It’s completely unreasonable. I agree with the separation of church and state. Religious beliefs are just that, beliefs, opinions, a choice way of life. A quick question for all you religious folks….. Why is it you can’t read? I know the Commandments, and they sure as shit say nothing of hate, intolerance, judgement. Did it not say that judging is Gods job, not yours? Yeah, I think it does. So stop thumping your Bible and read it. Really read it! That means, stop interpreting the parts your way and only following what fits into your life. The pick and choose way of religion. It’s a simple case of shit or get off the pot. If it’s what you believe and it helps you sleep at night and do good in the world, then carry on, I’m all for it. However, if you are using this religious thing to spread evil, you may wanna ask yourself, “is this the work of the devil?” Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Again, this is probably best laid out for another discussion. Anyways…..

You would be amazed at the lack of knowledge kids these days have about themselves. Shit, I didn’t know a thing when I was younger either, but that’s because there were not any discussions of that going on in my house. The internet didn’t exist. I know, sad world, NO INTERNET!! We are supposed to be more evolved these days. No more living in the dark ages. We have color tv, integrated lives, hybrid cars, and Scooters! We are kind of a big deal. So why is it in some aspects of our lives we are still so damned ignorant? Bottom line, we need to educate our kids with the facts. Yes, any type of sex-ed with younger kids is awkward, and hilarious all at the same time. But we still need to educate no matter how awkward, funny, embarrassing, or different it may be.

I’m a parent so it’s not like I’m one of those people with an opinion on how to raise your kids when I have none of my own to base that opinion on. It’s simple. I teach my kids based on need. I tell them what they need to know right when they ask about it, so they are prepared. I answer only the questions they ask when they are young. Keep it simple stupid is a phrase I find quite effective. Children will tell you what they need to know if you just listen. As they get older, I offer a bit more info than just what they ask about. It’s all about safety at that point. I try not to lecture (though they would probably say otherwise). I just want my kiddos to know the truth. Not someones restricted view, or pieced together scenario of what they think is right and wrong based on their religious or political beliefs.

Who is to say when the right time is to tell kids about gay, straight, transsexual, drugs, peer pressure, bullying, right, wrong, or the time of day? When they ask!! Clearly there is a reason Tennessee brought up the issue. It must have been asked about, talked about, thought about. So answer for crying out loud. Keep it to the basics until they ask more. Dont be ridiculous and ban a word. Some places have banned the game of tag, saying it’s too dangerous. Are you kidding me? Stop being crazy. Its tag! Its been played ever since the beginning of time. Same goes with sex and sexuality. Gay isn’t a new subject. Stop being ignorant and banning things that don’t logically make any sense. Pull out your personal beliefs and religious rantings, and look at the facts. Educate! Information is the key to knowledge and happiness. Is this not the world of the pursuit of happiness? Stop stepping on other peoples’ happiness. It’s not hurting you or anyone else. If your core values are as strong as you preach they are, then stop being a hater.

I really hope deep down that people are not this ignorant and mean. I expect other to have common decency and common sense. I don’t think I’m asking too much for those two things. We should all expect that. If we have that, it teaches us to be tolerant and understanding of others. Its not doing damage to educate our children and ourselves with facts. The damage comes from te hate we let ourselves and others get away with and not say or do anything about it.

Come on Tennessee, you should know better!

What Makes A Good Friend?

alittlenutz — Tue, 17 May 2011 17:21:01 +0000

Image by Cybjorg via Flickr

How does a person know when they are being a good friend? Is it when you just blindly take their side even when you know they are so very wrong? Isnt it about being supportive and tough when you need to be?

I don’t want a friend to sugar coat and go along with everything I say. God knows I am wrong from time to time. Or I’m having a fly off the handle moment and just need to work it out. I wan the truth! Its one of the most important things to me. If you don’t have honesty, what do you have?

I think I’m supportive and involved. As much as I can be. I am the mother of teenagers after all, and more than half my life is not my own right now. But I check in and ask questions and have get togethers. I listen and when asked give my opinion. Sometimes I give it without being asked, cuz that’s what friends do. However, at some point I just shut my mouth cuz I have said what I’ve said, you know how I feel and where I stand, and I can’t waste my breath anymore. If it’s a toxic thing that you are allowing in your life and continue to do so, then what can I do? Wait till it falls apart and be here for you to lean on? Well, I am. But can you really not step back and take a look at whats going on? Is all that stress and drama that enters my life worth it?

I have the ability to step back and evaluate what the hell is going on in my life. I can be objective. I will apologize when Im wrong, and refer to myself as an idiot when necessary. I rely on this. I trust my gut instincts and know that I’m able to always step back and look at things in a different light. Cant everyone? I feel it’s a natural thing. I do or say something my gut alerts me to , and I reprieve myself to evaluate what just happened. To me its simple. Maybe I just think everyone should have this ability.

I’m not good at keeping things inside when it’s hurting the people I care about. Of course it goes for the positive as well!And even though I may have excused myself from the situation, it sits in the back of my mind exhausting me emotionally, physically. I want to take a person and shake the sense into them. COME ON!!! Snap out of it!! I have already pronounced by feelings on the matter. I find it increasingly difficult to pretend that the Elephant is not in the room. I don’t understand how a friend can continue to go about their day and our relationship as if that damned Elephant is no there. Am I just trying to change a person? I wouldn’t think so. I want people to be themselves. But I don’t want them to self destruct in front of me and expect me to put on my sunshine face while it all unravels.

I can’t be fake. I can’t lie. I can’t pretend that things aren’t what they are. I try real hard to smile and ignore the proverbial Elephant. But to what extent? To my own demise? To become more like acquaintances than close friends?

And the other looming question in my mind…. Do they notice? I know I’m an easy read as far as whats going on in my mind. My face shows it. I give it away. Do they just not care? Do they not see? Does it matter? Or is this what friendship is? Because quite frankly its exhausting. I’m not trying to only be a friend during good times, don’t get me wrong. I’m there, supporting all the way, good or bad. But is it not taking advantage of me when you expect me to just lie to you and myself?

I don’t know. I just had to get that out.

You go from one Loser to Another?

alittlenutz — Tue, 17 May 2011 03:47:31 +0000

I get what a pain in the ass it is to get divorced. Been there, done that. It sucks! Big time. Even if it was the right choice. Its a destruction of your entire family and friends of epic proportions. It is a complete loss at its core.

But why the hell would an individual go from one complete loser right to another?!

I want an answers here people. Cuz Im not getting it.

Where is the self respect?!

I raised my standards, significantly! I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than ever spend so much as one more minute with the likes of my ex or any other form of that damaging pathetic excuse for a man.

So why?! WHY?! I ask, can some people not see they deserve better and demand it? Its frustrating beyond all. And I try to be a good friend and be supportive. But Im also someone that when asked my opinion, I give it. Honestly. And then at some point, I have to just pull back and try not to say anything anymore. But I really want to understand what they hell these people are thinking.

Givin it a Go to save what Sanity I have left

alittlenutz — Tue, 17 May 2011 02:23:46 +0000

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What I say make not always make sense at first, but Im sure you will come around to my way of thinking. Lets face it, I have too much going on in my head and not enough money to quit my job and take up boxing fulltime. I have a lot of pent up…..everything.

Pretty sure this will cover everything from daily humdrum to political and religious rampages, dealing with my amazing teenagers to wanting to do unspeakable things to my ex, from breakdowns to breakthrough’s.

Enjoy! Be angered. Be inspired. Be bored. Be engolfed in a different world long enough to get through whatever it is you need to get through. I know thats why I am starting this journey. Because maybe, Im not alone in all my insanity.