What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I have no idea what I want to be, and I’m all grown up. I became a mother very early in life. I was living in a state I didn’t want to live in. Eventually my circumstances outlined my life for me.
I hear people tell stories of how they became the person they wanted no matter what situation they were in. That’s amazing…for them. There is one common thread I have found in their stories. They had help! They lived with someone who helped support them financially, they had an opportunity handed to them, they had an awesome support system, help  raising and taking care of their kids, assistance with the roof over their head and food on their table, or some other version of the previously listed.
I have learned that noone has succeeded through tough times all alone. Thats a fact. If anyone claims otherwise, I will challenge that.
I don’t regret having my children. Not for a second! I didn’t get the life I wanted, and I probably never will. However, I am a fabulous mother who has raised and am raising fantastic kids!!

Anyway, this is not exactly my point.

I had a job interview today and they asked the “Where do you see yourself in five years?” question. Really? The truth would be, right here, doing the same damn thing I have done for the past 18 years, work, pay bills, work, pay bills, work, pay bills, and continue to wish I could get a break for five minutes to be able to go on vacation for once in my life! What I wish… Sitting on the beach soaking up some sun pondering where I should travel to during all my free time because I have won the damned lottery!!! My lame answer… having a solid career with a great company such as yourselves. (thats paraphrasing, cuz I’m sure I long winded that) I have a tendency to ramble a bit when asked questions that make no sense to me. All that should matter is I have worked my ass off since I was 14 and I always show up on time, work my butt off, multi task like no other and try to ignore the fact I am living in a place I hate and just want to go home. So, unless I win the lottery, you are not at risk of me leaving anytime soon because I need to pay the bills and put food on my table and support my three children.

I’m sure I will have people argue with me about pursuing my dreams and I can do what ever I want and blah blah blah! But, if that were true, I would have done it already. I’m stuck where I am until further notice and that is the hand I have been dealt. Trust me, I have tried everything else I can think of.

So, maybe I used to know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but now….. I’m just a grown up with a need to get a paycheck. I’m no different than most of the people I run into these days. My job now is to make damn sure that my children DO get to grow up and do what THEY want to do!

Ok, I’m done rambling for now. Not sure that made any sense, but I had to get it out.

Have a fabulous day!

Random Thoughts

Have you ever encountered that moment where someone asks you to define yourself? I have been asked that question numerous times. Sometimes it’s in the form of a direct question. Sometimes it’s creating a website full of images that are supposed to paint a picture of yourself. Sometimes, it comes by way of an expectation from other to evaluate yourself. I have always been perplexed by this. Define me? As if it were a simple task such as doing the dishes or checking the mail. It isn’t as if I have something to hide. I usually consider myself an open book. However, I think of myself as an open book that you can read and draw your own conclusions. Why should I have to express my being in just a simple conversation? I just am. What you see is what you get. I’m honest and straight forward. I have strong beliefs and opinions and am not afraid to share them and stand up for what I believe is right. I still fail to see how that will somehow define who I am to you or anyone else. Many people say those exact same words and yet never seem to follow through on their word. It seems to me that time will show you who I am better than trying to cliffs notes a version of myself that at the moment may be solely based on the mood I’m in when you ask.

It strikes me a far better question might be…. If you get knocked down seven times, how many times do you get up?

Eyes closing…..

This is one of those moments when I can barely keep my eyes open. Im literally struggling to stay awake. My eyelids weigh at least ten pounds. Yet, my mind never stops. It’s the single most frustrating thing I experience on a daily basis, shit, a minute by minute basis! It never stops. No moments of peace and quiet. Silence merely brings on the flood of stories, song lyrics I didn’t even know I knew, what if’s, what if not’s, what needs too be done, what’s already been done, what’s for dinner, what needs to be cleaned, are there enough groceries, did something get left in the car, I need to vacuum, watch my shows, read my book, catch up with the kids, check the calendar, take my meds, kids take their meds, want to spend time with my husband, do I have clean underwear, I need to switch the laundry, it’s too late to make noise, can’t function in silence too many thoughts get in, do other people do this, am I crazy, do I needed more pills, less pills, I hate pills, air conditioner is annoying, the dishes are not put away, my legs are killing me, worry about someone close to me, can’t ignore alarm in the morning cause I need to do my hair and make my lunch, are the animals fed, I think I’m forgetting something, do the kids think I’m ignoring them, do I have enough one on one time with them, with my husband, I need a nap, I need to stop looking at the clock, what am I going to make for dinner tomorrow, I need a tan and feel the sun on my skin, need to lose twenty pounds like yesterday, clothes don’t fit, do the kids need clothes or shoes, need to pay the bills, hope there is enough money to pay the bills, there never seems to be enough, I need to make more money, I need a vacation, where would I go, what would that cost, would everyone like to go to the same place……..is there ever going to be just five seconds where I can shut it all off and get some peace and quiet?!

When do you step in?

At what point do you stop watching a person self destruct while slowly destroying their family at the same time, and do something? And what do you do?
Granted, the point of being an adult is figuring out shit on your own, falling, and learning to pick yourself up again. Yet, you lose that privilege of free fall and rise when it damages those around you. You want to continuously screw up, fine! But do it alone. Don’t drag down the innocent with you. Especially when you are aware of the situation, yet refuse to remedy it.
Addiction comes in all forms, that’s why there are a million different support groups to help people through. But its not just your problem. Self destruct alone somewhere then. If you are so selfish and needy that you can’t break away from the one thing that will destroy all the good in your life, then you need serious help. Go find it. Its available. Is everywhere. And its probably right in front of you.
Addiction, for anything or anyone can be a bitch. But you lose all rights for me or anyone else to be sympathetic when you admit its a problem and know its destroying your life, and choose to continue.
Life isn’t always easy. There is always someone else around the corner who has been through much worse that you have.
At what point do you say enough is enough and take control of your life?! Natural Disasters, accidents, war, these things you can’t control. You can control your bad decisions!
Rule of thumb, if everyone in your life is questioning your decisions, or staging interventions……you may want to start paying attention to your life and stop screwing it up. Because if its gone this far, you NEED to wake the fuck up! Wake up and realize that you have been making huge mistakes and you need to grow up, take control, and fix your shit before you lose everyone and everything.
Stop making excuses and start making solutions. Or, continue on this path and end up all alone, because that’s the route you’re headed down.

Givin it a Go to save what Sanity I have left

Image via Wikipedia

What I say make not always make sense at first, but Im sure you will come around to my way of thinking. Lets face it, I have too much going on in my head and not enough money to quit my job and take up boxing fulltime. I have a lot of pent up…..everything.

Pretty sure this will cover everything from daily humdrum to political and religious rampages, dealing with my amazing teenagers to wanting to do unspeakable things to my ex, from breakdowns to breakthrough’s.

Enjoy! Be angered. Be inspired. Be bored. Be engolfed in a different world long enough to get through whatever it is you need to get through. I know thats why I am starting this journey. Because maybe, Im not alone in all my insanity.