What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I have no idea what I want to be, and I’m all grown up. I became a mother very early in life. I was living in a state I didn’t want to live in. Eventually my circumstances outlined my life for me.
I hear people tell stories of how they became the person they wanted no matter what situation they were in. That’s amazing…for them. There is one common thread I have found in their stories. They had help! They lived with someone who helped support them financially, they had an opportunity handed to them, they had an awesome support system, help  raising and taking care of their kids, assistance with the roof over their head and food on their table, or some other version of the previously listed.
I have learned that noone has succeeded through tough times all alone. Thats a fact. If anyone claims otherwise, I will challenge that.
I don’t regret having my children. Not for a second! I didn’t get the life I wanted, and I probably never will. However, I am a fabulous mother who has raised and am raising fantastic kids!!

Anyway, this is not exactly my point.

I had a job interview today and they asked the “Where do you see yourself in five years?” question. Really? The truth would be, right here, doing the same damn thing I have done for the past 18 years, work, pay bills, work, pay bills, work, pay bills, and continue to wish I could get a break for five minutes to be able to go on vacation for once in my life! What I wish… Sitting on the beach soaking up some sun pondering where I should travel to during all my free time because I have won the damned lottery!!! My lame answer… having a solid career with a great company such as yourselves. (thats paraphrasing, cuz I’m sure I long winded that) I have a tendency to ramble a bit when asked questions that make no sense to me. All that should matter is I have worked my ass off since I was 14 and I always show up on time, work my butt off, multi task like no other and try to ignore the fact I am living in a place I hate and just want to go home. So, unless I win the lottery, you are not at risk of me leaving anytime soon because I need to pay the bills and put food on my table and support my three children.

I’m sure I will have people argue with me about pursuing my dreams and I can do what ever I want and blah blah blah! But, if that were true, I would have done it already. I’m stuck where I am until further notice and that is the hand I have been dealt. Trust me, I have tried everything else I can think of.

So, maybe I used to know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but now….. I’m just a grown up with a need to get a paycheck. I’m no different than most of the people I run into these days. My job now is to make damn sure that my children DO get to grow up and do what THEY want to do!

Ok, I’m done rambling for now. Not sure that made any sense, but I had to get it out.

Have a fabulous day!

Teenagers

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Teenagers. The word alone bubbles up a frenzy of emotions in anyone having them or having to deal with them that can go anywhere from the deepest joy to the deepest rage. The thing about teenagers that some people, and parents seem to forget is that they are just young adults trying to figure out who they are. Young adults who aren’t fully equipped with the emotional control to always deal with things appropriately. Lets face it, there are a plethora of adults in this world that still haven’t mastered that life skill. I deal with a slew of them on a daily basis.

I remember being a teenager quite vividly. One of the few things I can remember. Not so much the daily details of the era, but more the feeling of the entire time. While under my parent(s) roof, I was in turmoil most of the time. I hated my mother, still have deep seeded issues there if we are going to be completely honest. Nothing I ever did was right. I was always grounded, and I don’t mean a week here or there, over exaggerated teenager opinion grounded, I mean 6 months at a time; for things like rolling my eyes or breathing the wrong way. This is no joke. Don’t get me wrong, there were times I did plenty wrong to warrant a long grounding, but that was after I realized that it didn’t matter if I really did something or not, so in my mind I figured if I were going to be in trouble, I better have some fun while I was free. It was a constant battle of the wills. I was accused of being disrespectful and talking with ‘a tone’ that was not appreciated. I would defend my actions, sometimes at the top of my lungs and with doors slammed, that I could not treat someone with respect that didn’t treat me with respect first. It made perfect sense to me then, and it still does to this day. I didn’t have the best parent on the planet, that’s for sure, nor the worst. I suppose she did the best she could with the skills she had. However, those skills were what was being passed to me. This is how I was learning how to be a parent!

I split from my parent(s) when I was 16. It was at this point that I realized I no longer had all the drama ruling my life and I could finally relax and be myself. I finished high school, with honors, and went on to do pretty ok for myself. A few hiccups along the way of course, and quite a few attempts of controlling crazy coming at me from my mother. The thing is, had she just stayed out of my life a little bit, I would have done more with my education when I was younger. I’m not blaming my mother or parent(s) for everything. I’m merely stating that whenever she attempted to control my life, my first instinct was to bolt in the opposite direction as fast as I could! Just thinking about it right now I am all sweaty and want to just freak out and scream at the top of my lungs. I am a grown woman with a great life and children of my own, and I still have these feelings. So listen up parents, because that frustration never goes away.  I know I don’t want my children growing up feeling like that. It would make me so sad.

 My mother and I still obviously have multiple issues that will probably never be dealt with. Not because I haven’t tried, trust me, I have, but because she refuses to take responsibility for her part. It’s as if she just stuck her head in the ground and goes on as if nothing has ever happened. The worst part is that she continues to act this way with my children, my sibling(s) and their children. I cut her out of my life emotionally years ago. Best damn decision I ever made. At one point, I cut her out physically. I didn’t see her for nearly two years,aside from family functions, and when I did see her we both avoided each other. She was to blame in that scenario. I would love to take partial responsibility for our falling out, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Though I may have given her a hard time when I was younger because I figured I was going to be in trouble anyway, that was not and is not the case now and throughout my adulthood. Anyway, I could go off on a complete tangent here outlining the fall of our relationship, but that’s not my point so I will stop there for now. My point is, if you want great teenagers and a lasting relationship, bring out the respect.

Lord knows I battle with my children. I spent years raising them teetering between falling into the same patterns that I experienced to doing the polar opposite of what I went through. It came natural to yell and scream and control and ground them when they would do something I didn’t like. It’s all I knew. It took me many years to realize that I had control over my parenting. I could educate and better myself as a parent. I hope it’s not too late. I think it isn’t. I have wonderful teenagers that share their lives with me (at least the parts they want to) and come to me for advice. We have our moments of falling back into the controlling battle of the wills. Usually sparked by my overreaction to a situation. I am a control freak. I admit it. I probably got that way from the years of turmoil in my life starting when I was a child. It works for me for the most part. However, I found it wasn’t working in the parenting department. I talk to my children about anything and everything. There are boundaries set up that are reasonable. There is always an open line of communication. I let them make mistakes so they can figure out how to find a solution with out someone rescuing them. I am the first to admit when I was out of line, and I apologize to my children immediately! Try it on for size, you would be amazed at how much more your teenager will respect you if you are willing to admit when you are wrong and apologize without making excuses. It opens up an entire world of a deeper relationship.

I’m not completely delusional in thinking my teenagers tell me everything and always follow my rules and act respectful. That’s just bullshit. I don’t always act that way, so I’m sure they don’t. I do trust that they will come to me with the important stuff because I do not pass judgement on them. I let them know that life is a struggle of figuring out who you are and what’s right for you as an individual. That mistakes will be made and hearts will be broken, people will disappoint you and surprise you, nothing is easy and everything is how you react to it. That ultimately, this life is yours and you are the one that has to live with the reflection in the mirror, so do yourself proud and if nothing else, be honest with yourself.

It’s a process. I wake up everyday and vow not to put my children through what I went through. I slip up from time to time. Yet, for the most part I think, I do a pretty great job. I must be doing something right, because even though they are teenagers, they say they love me and show affection in public. SCORE!! They also come to me with the important stuff. They might not come to me first, that’s usually their friends’ job, but they come to me when they are ready and want to know the truth.

Do yourselves a favor parents, be one! You are not their best friend, they have those. You are not their savior. Everyone needs the opportunity to fail so they know how to achieve. You are not their bank. Let them figure out that nothing in this life comes free. Stop buying them every little thing and creating spoiled little brats. My biggest problem with parenting is the fact I can’t slap the shit out of the parent of the kid throwing a full fledge temper tantrum. And I’m not just referring to the screaming kid in the grocery store. I’m including the bitchy little teens that act as if they are entitled to have whatever they want at a moments notice. Stop catering to creating the MONSTERS! You are to raise your kids to become self reliant, responsible members of society. Think about that asshole you have to deal with possibly on a daily basis. Now ask yourslef this, “Who the hell is responsible for raising this jackass?!” Do you want someone to ask themselves that very question about someone you raised? I sure don’t. I understand that there are a few people who are just that way no matter how they were raised. Some people are just born jerks. But for the rest, they had to come from somewhere. So please, educate and better yourselves as parents to that positive cycle can continue. Maybe if everyone took a step back and realized that you can change how you parent to encourage your children to become great adults, then it would make for a better world.

Maybe it seems like a lot to ask, or a lot of work. I’m here to say that it is actually easier than you think. The best part is that your kids will respect you more for giving respect first. They can’t give you something they are not seeing. If they are acting like little maniacs, better take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what your failing to do.

to be continued……